Earlier this year when I came back from New Zealand, I sat down to the face the reality of what would be my next big adventure. Getting back to work and facing reality.

I am also fortunate enough though to have some say in being able to shape what that looked like. Do I want full time work? What type of work do I want to do? Do I retrain? What's valuable to me?

This lead to a series of ideas being floated around with the concept of me having more freedom, some flexibility in how I run my life and in the things that I do. It also gave me the chance to try some things out and so one of those things I decided to do was to start doing some Youtube stuff.

It's all gone now, before you even try and look - although there are some 'Agile' videos of me where I've given talks over the years, this little series I started in 2025 has all been taken down as a bit of a failed experiment. 

Why did I do Youtube in the first place?

I'm old. I remember before Youtube was even a thing and there were video sites all over the place. Mostly they were for their own specific niche, before Youtube basically became the de-facto internet video site.

Of course it's become more popular over the years, ridiculously so. It's now even a thing where kids who are asked what they want to be when they grow up have started to say 'Youtuber!' as if it's as simple as becoming an astronaut or doctor.

I'm under no illusion that it's easy, but I felt that I had something to say and having a regular series out there to document it would be not only beneficial to me but maybe, just maybe, someone out there might engage with it and find it useful too.

I never thought for a second that I could become a Youtuber, not only do you need a ridiculous amount of views and subscribers, but it takes years to establish yourself and your brand before you can even think about earning money. It's also common advice (I'm sure I've given it out myself over the years) that you should do something because you want to, not because you want to earn money. If that comes, then you've essentially made it finding the holy grail of doing something you enjoy and getting paid for it.

And well, I do enjoy talking. I enjoy philosophy. I enjoy going on journeys and learning about myself and other people and their life experiences. I think in a world so big on celebrities and social media stars, that the average person is much more interesting. Why not start with me?

And then what happened

So off I went. I ended up doing 3 videos, learned a few tricks with video editing and tried a few tools that are out there and then stopped.

I had one comment on the first video, which surprised the hell out of me and of course no subscribers. Like I said before, I was never in it for the money or anything - although it would be nice. I was doing it for me.

So after 3 videos I didn't know what it was for anymore. It was kind of a rambling diary entry, kind of an update on what I was doing.

And maybe that's the thing - I didn't know what I was doing. Why was I even talking about things if I wasn't clear. If it's not for an audience and just for me, then why Youtube at all? 

So I stopped.

I kind of miss it. I kind of feel annoyed at myself for not lasting longer in what I thought would be a ritual or habit. 

But it did have it's uses. I discovered what I was missing and that was a purpose. I'm passionate and tenacious when I have a mission, I'm focused and driven when I have a deadline. 

Without that though - I lose interest.

I need to find that purpose. 

Forming habits and getting feedback

I also learned more about myself when it comes to forming habits and the importance of getting feedback.

Despite all the comments about not getting views, it was definitely hard to put things out there and not get anything back. I'd be a liar if I said I wouldn't be over the moon if my video had suddenly kicked off. But I didn't need thousands or even hundreds of views. I needed feedback, some connection - something to bounce off of to be able to keep moving forward and making it better. 

I really thrive with that sort of thing around me. I suspect most people do. It's not necessarily about validation, but it's having those sign posts around you to help you navigate what's next. Very few things in this world can be done in isolation and recognising the importance of that for me has been a great reminder that I'm human after all. 

And habits - well, we've probably all round James Clear and Atomic Habits by now. Maybe I need to re-read it, but this habit really did not stick despite using some of the techniques that have worked for me in the past. 

With habits, I think you need to care - if you don't care and it's not important to you, it will drop away very easily. I don't think that's always true (as my unused Peloton continues to gather dust) because there are things I care about and still don't do. But there's definitely something there about the internalised importance.

Rambling

This has been a real ramble hasn't it? I think I prefer writing to video. It lets me be in my own thoughts a bit more without having to worry about lighting, or sound. Maybe I should start a podcast?

Sometimes it's good to have a ramble.